Oct 17, 2005

About A Boy

Scribbled by Perky |

Sitting in the departure lounge waiting to board the plane to KL has certainly turned me into a cocktail of emotions. I'm terrified because I'm going to board a huge chunk of metal with a dude, who can read the compass better than everyone else, flying it. I bet I could fly a plane if I knew where the sun sets. I'm happy because I finally got to do what I came here to do, which is to 'fess up my feelings I've been keeping inside for a friend. I'm also relieved because of the 'burden' of keeping this huge secret has been lifted from me. Sad because I'm leaving my hometown (which also means that I will be working tomorrow. hooray!). Sad because I won't have his company...

Although I'm not big on the whole emotional thing, I just need to let off some steam on my blog and share with you, my dear readers, about that big step I so desperately needed to take in order to restore some normalcy in my very much colourful and 'fun-filled' life. Was it a mistake to finally come clean about it or is it a sign of good things to come? Let the debate begin!

Just Hanging Out
I can't remember when *Jack and I started hanging out really. Now looking back I realize that he's always been there since high school. I never thought of him as good looking or hot stud. He was always the cool dude who packed a lot of fun on his back. We started hanging out more and in time I learned that I have met my match. We were always trying to top each other's whacky ideas. Soon we were dubbed Bonnie & Clyde, and partners-in-crime we were, wreaking havoc across town and pulling pranks on friends. Both are spontaneous and we were always up for a challenge... or two. For the stupid things we did (and the good ideas that had to be put aside because it was tooooo goooood), I'm amazed how we got away with almost anything.

Wind of Change
As time went by I started to notice little things about Jack. One day I caught myself checking him out as he changed his shirt after training (now, I have seen him take that shirt off so many times but it wasn't a big deal). Nice chest... nice back... nice lower back... ooh nice ass!. Then he developed the biggest sin of all: HIP MUSCLES! But I didn't put too much thought to this new body show that I was enjoying so much. So what if I appreciate men who takes care of his body? No big deal. Then the big revelation came end of last year. I went back home for the holidays and I haven't seen him in months. He called wanting to come over to my house to scan a picture. Naturally, I was excited as I haven't seen my old friend in ages. But nothing prepared me for what was going to happen to me next. As he walked up towards the gate, my heart started to pound fast and hard. On my face was the biggest smile my small mouth could form. I ran to greet him and the first thing that crossed my mind at that time was how much I wanted to hug him. That thought stopped me dead in my tracks. Oh crap... no... not him, I told my heart. Amazing thing about the heart is that it has no ears. Its pure muscles. And that time, I swear, I practically had to catch my heart from jumping out of my chest.

Smile, Deny Everything, and "No Comment"
When I realized I had fallen for Jack, I tried to reason myself out of it. I didn't wanna break that golden rule to everlasting friendship "Do Not Fall for Your Bestfriend". So I did what any crazy girl would do: Date Anyone. I went on a dating spree just to prove to myself that I was having hormonal problems and that it'll go away. If there's anything I learned from dating spree is that it's no fun to date with another guy lingering in your mind all the time. It's even tougher when you constantly measure your date to your object of affection. They never even had a chance (poor bastards), considering how high the standards I had set. When that didn't work, I tried the no-communication tactic, which includes no emails, no SMS and no phone calls. There was just numerous emails that went unsent, countless SMS that was halfway written only to be deleted and many times I scrolled through his name fighting my will to call him. I thought by doing so would make the feeling go away but it backfired. Whoever invented the phrase "Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder" was definitely not kidding when he thought it up.

I was completely out of my element here. Yeah,I had fallen for guys before but that's usually on our first meeting or after a couple of drinks... But for a close friend? Afraid of screwing up a good friendship (given my past of amazing screw ups) I turned to Bart for words of wisdom, hoping that he'll scare me enough to kill whatever it was I was feeling for Jack. Instead what Bart said to me took me by surprise. "I was wondering when you were going to admit that you like him". Huh? You knew? Barts advice: Just tell him. These things you can't keep them inside. The more you deny, the more cruel reality becomes. You just have to tell him. Turns out that everybody knew, except me of course. I'm always the last to know *sigh* I knew I had to do certain damage control to cover this mess up, you know, didn't want Jack to find out. "He's like a brother to me, just like Bart. I care for him, as I would with Bart. I'd do anything for him, as I would for Bart." Looks like Bart's name don't carry that much weight, almost as if it has no value...

The Conversation
It took me months to finally do what Bart has been telling me all this while. After everything I tried, it seemed like the only way out. I imagined the worst case scenario: Sorry Perky, but I'm gay... Sorry Perky, I'm too in love with my mother and no women can live up to my idol... Perky, I dont wanna be friends with you anymore because now you don't wanna play farting games with me anymore... I've always pride myself as Superman; invincible, immune to pain, able to see through people. Ok, fine, I can almost be a proud arrogant bitch. But somehow with Jack, I become Clark Kent; ordinary, boring, inferior even. Every time I'm with Jack, there's always something new to learn about him, or about myself. And without my Superman X-ray vision, I couldn't predict what Jack's reaction was going to be like. He laughed, much to my dismay, and said that he already knew how I felt. He was just wondering when was I going to come clean about it. Once again, I felt inferior, and defeated because all the things I did to forget this feeling turned out to be a waste of time. I really should've listened to Bart months ago...
It offended me when he said I was on a rebound. Right Jack, you're just a rebound. I already liked you even before I got hurt. So where's the rebound in that? Do rebounds last very long? Besides, if that was the case, I would've done my voodoo to hook up with you only to throw you away like a dirty diaper two weeks later.

Just Friends
That night after my conversation with Jack, I drove home with less burden on my shoulders. I felt like I had rid my body of cancer. I slept peacefully (although only 4 hours long) for the first time in a year that night. And when I woke up the next morning, I woke up to a heart that was no longer tormented by the "what if's" and "should I's". I'm glad that I told him and I'm proud of it, too. It made me realize how brave I was (and I make looking-like-fool an art). But here comes the hard part. I thought after I told him about it, that would be the end of it. Again, I'm wrong (damn it! When will I get my Superman powers back?!). I realized another thing, which is the magnitude of how much I really liked him. It must've taken years for me to fall for him, years of admiration, respect and awe. How do you snap out of something like that? I knew I was lying (and perhaps due to huge unhealthy doses of pride) when I told him "yey! now I can date like a normal person again". Hmm... perhaps it wasn't normalcy afterall that I was looking for. Maybe I do like being a tormented soul. Who knows? Only time will tell.

*name has been changed to protect boy's identity

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14 Your say:

Anonymous said...

dear perky, i am so proud of you. it must've been really hard for you esp since you've always had a hard time expressing feelings vocally (unless if its to tell that person to f off). i don't even know the guy but i knew someone had taken up a special place in your heart. for someone whos quick witted, you sure are slow to pick certain things up.

your a risk taker. so i dont think it was a mistake that you told him. knowing you, you would rather live regretting taking that step than live regretting not doing anything about it.

what also bothers me is that you didnt ask him how he felt towards you. your THE sylvester. your THE girl boys measure their gfs to. he must be gay lol.

well how about i help you nurse that broken heart of yours? (it is broken right? i mean the two of you didnt hook up so there must be some degree of hurt in there) vodka or rum? hell lets do both! :)

yours,
alex.

Vonne said...

Amazing thing about the heart is that it has no ears.
That statement alone sent shivers down my spine. Quite jiwang lah u woohman. Who would've thought that underneath all that tough cookie exterior lies a hopeless romantic? betcha wanna choke me now ey? haha.

lets do vodka la. alex has a cabinet filled with vodka. I'll even get some male strippers (or female if you wish ;))just for you. What say you woman? After you look at some chiseled ab, golden tan men, I'm sure you'll get over it. but we gotta do it soon rite? you balik kampung this weekend kan? crap. why la so soon?!

Anonymous said...

I'm so jealous...

Anonymous said...

Thats so so true :)
Amazing thing about the heart is that it has no ears....
Swagato

Perky said...

Alex:
U didn't get it did u? when i decided to tell him i wasn't expecting anything back. i was just glad that, u know, he still wants to hang out with me & we will still have that same friendship. it was about moving on and not holding back. the way i saw it was that it was a win-win situation. should he had felt the same towards me, then great. we both can ride off towards sunset together. but if it didn't, i'm cool with it too bcoz i get to keep this friendship. but thanx for the compliment. u're so sweet =) in a bizarre way, that is ;)
as for the drinks, well u know i'm a vodka girl!

Vonne:
yeah man, didn't know how jiwang i can get too. that still doesn't make it any less uncomfortable. i guess i'm still learning to appreciate my girlie side. amazing how being in "like" (the other 'L' word is still too terrifying & too early for me to use) brings out the girl in me *blush*
vodka + male strippers = TROUBLE
but in a fun kinda way, of course ;)

Anon:
jealous because you don't know how tormented i am or jealous bcoz of the way i feel towards someone else? i'm confused.
p/s: next time should u feel the urge to post a comment on my blog, pls state who u r. if u have the balls to comment, then make full use of your balls: one to comment and the other to write your name. unless if u're a pussy, then i cant argue with that.

Swagato:
Haha. yeah, tell me bout it. i think if the heart had ears many people wouldn't be suffering from heartaches. lol!

Anonymous said...

ni lah yang kitorang kater parah. aku tak nak lah jadi budak seksis tapi biase nye kalu pompuan yang confirm dier punye feeling dulu selalu nye perasaan dier tu tak kena balas. biase nye lah. sebab kiter jantan ni suke kejar si minah tu. tapi bagi aku kan, kalu si lydd yang luahkan cinte nye kat aku... hmmph aku boleh idup tanpa makan dan minum!

kawan uni mu.

ro said...

Lydia,

After reading a couple of what you have posted up on your blog, it was interesting about what you have to say about Jack*. Frankly speaking, I was like you before, I knew Jack* when I was in Form2, we were pals just like the relationship you and he have.. pals, wrestling although we are supposed to be the 'inferior' ones genderwise(it's so fucking overrated). anyways, we never got together until when we were in Form 5. and that was great.

I think that your courage to tell him how your feelings have made a sudden and unexpected turn is very respectable. Like what I would say "If he doesn't deserve a relationship with you doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your friendship". Jack* is great as a close friend, we all know that.

All i can say is that he knows more than you know he does. If you ever need someone to talk to who reads Jack* like a book (and also knows what you don't know what he thinks), just give me a call.

ro.

Jay said...

That's really tough, but the thing is, the right thing always comes along when you're not looking. Sometimes it's hard to play the waiting game, especially with conflicting emotions!

Perky said...

Kawan uni:
Hey how's terengganu? Or are u in kelantan? i tend to get those two mixed up. U still haven't changed eh. *in the voice of our math lecturer* Haiyor, begitu besar hoh. lol. somehow you always remind me of math class.

Ro:
Got your number. Will definitely give u a call.

Jay:
Why is it that the right thing always come along after we've bruised & bled? *imitating Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty* Why, God, WHY??!!! hahaha.

A Year said...

Why, God, WHY??!!!

AidWin said...

theres alot of plankton in the sea :)

Perky said...

yeah i know, dwin. but i guess i'm looking for the holy grail of the sea. lol!

B. said...

"I would've done my voodoo to hook up with you only to throw you away like a dirty diaper two weeks later."

Ey, did mummy ever leave you in your dirty diapers for 2 weeks? I don't think so. I really have to wonder where you get your analogies from...ceridak li...

Perky said...

B, you should know by now how damn ceridak your sister is bah. LOL!!! i'm sick & twisted, therefore don't expect me to quote William Shakespeare & other lovey dovey writers. hahaha!