I came home thinking I would be having the time of my life, you know, just sit back and enjoy my holiday. But never did it cross my mind that I would be playing nurse to a friend who was the least likely to be depressed. This is a story about how I had to deal with a suicidal maniac, a timebomb if you can call it, who really doesn't want to die alone (it's scary when you suddenly find yourself the highlight of this suicidal show). How does one cope with someone who is constantly thinking about death? How does one deal with a timebomb without getting sucked into the whole idea of death?

*Jack has lived life to the fullest and has done pretty much everything he's ever wanted. One day, as he was building himself a chair (something that looks like an Ikea rip off, I might say) he came to a sudden realization that life is not all what its hyped up to be. So he decided to invite the grim ripper into his life. I remember the first time he toyed with death. It was set like a horror movie, heavy downpour with lightning cracking the black skies open. Jack asked me to meet him at an abandoned tower. Worried for my friend (mainly because of his new found 'religion'), I rushed to the tower.

The 20 minute journey must've been the longest journey I ever had to take in my life. My insides felt twisted, I felt sick to the point I wanted to vomit. "Jack, what are you up to?" I arrived at the tower and I found his car at the parking lot. It was at that moment that something fell from the sky. "Oh fuck! What was that?" It was Jack's handphone. I picked it up and looked up. There was Jack, standing on the ledge.

"Jack! What the..." I screamed only to have my tiny voice drowned by the mighty roar of thunder. I ran up the stairs and found Jack. The sight of him made me sad. Jack has always been the source of joy, not just to me but to everyone who knew him. But the man standing in front of me contained no such joy, no life; he even looked broken. What took me by surprise was the things he wore: Jack was clad in full iron just like a medieval knight. Actually, he looked nothing like a knight. He wore a pot over his head, and covered his body by tying together various pots and pans. He looked so ridiculous that it reminded me of a certain character in a children's book (can't remember which one,though..). And to top it all, he was holding a vibrator (I would've laughed too at that point, but since we were high up on the tower...)

"Jack, you dumbfuck! What are you up to?" I yelled, though unintentionally (must've been the shock from seeing a real life Sir Knight of the Pots-and-Pans). "I just found that life is full of crap. It's meaningless, Perky. But living on the edge gives me so much adrenaline. You understand, don't cha?" Scared and pissed off at the same time, I knew I had to gently persuade Jack to abandon this stupid idea. "Jack, you're wearing pots and pans. What's up with that dude? And why are you holding a vibrator? You wanna stick that up your ass and jerk yourself off to death?!" My lack of tactfullness is also the reason why I can never be a psychiatrist or a negotiator or a sales person.

"You've seen Back to the Future right? It's the same concept. I'll just stick this vibrator out at the perfect time when lightning strikes. They say that if it's not your time to go, no matter what happens, you won't die. I just wanna know if it's MY time to go." We both fell silent. This was the reason why I insisted that he only watch porn flicks. Porn flicks don't give him ideas. Back to the Future does. So does Spongebob, Viva La Bam, Discovery Channel, My Little Pony...

I knew what I had to do to save my dear friend. I had to snatch the vibrator away from him as there won't be enough time to strip him off his 'armour'. Never in a million years did I think I would have to wrestle with a boy for a vibrator. Yes, Perky, we will laugh about this but not today... After carefully calculating the steps I needed to take to get to him and how much force I'll need to snatch the vibrator from him, I made my move. Luckily it was dark, so he couldn't anticipate me running to him. Everything felt so slow, I was running as fast as I could but it felt like forever to get to him. I stretched my right hand to grab the vibrator and with my left hand I pushed him away from the ledge. And it was at that exact moment that lightning striked the vibrator (which was in my hands by now).

Well, of course I survived that incident, otherwise I wouldn't be telling you this story. Jack has temporarily abandoned his plans of playing with death. I check on him everyday, making sure he's getting his daily doses of porn flicks. And out of spite, I make sure he eats his veggies (he hates them as much as I do). I told him that if he didn't, I was gonna feng shui his room and by the time I'm done with it, all he's gonna see is pink, purple, lavender and teddy bears. As for me, I got away with a slight burn on my right hand, a reminder of how far I would stretch to help out a friend.

*name has been changed to protect boy's identity

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