Jan 24, 2009

Open Letter to My Screaming Neighbor

Scribbled by Perky |

Dear Mrs. Screaming Housewife,

You may not know me apart from the fact that we may have crossed paths in our condo's elevator. I believe I live a few floors below your unit. I may not remember how you look like but I am almost ashamed to admit that I know you quite well.

I know that you work hard to earn a living. I also know you have a rotten man for a husband. He drinks a lot almost every night and this displeases you. It makes you upset because he spends your hard earned money to support his drinking, he comes home late and smelling like a #&@(#&#* (sorry, I couldn't catch that foul word you used).

I didn't mean to eavesdrop into your weekly arguments with your husband. But it's hard not to seeing how loud your voice is, especially at midnight.

I'm not trying to interfere with your life. I don't know you well enough to understand why you have such a loser for a husband. I mean, I'm cool if you dig idiots like him. But from woman to woman, I feel sorry for you. And I hate to feel sorry for weak other people.

I've been around drunk people before, so I know very well that they are the last people you want to talk logic with. So to save you from ruining your vocal cords screaming at that drunkard, here's some non-lethal ideas you could use to torture the guy:

1) Spray animal pheromones on his clothes and shoes. It'd be interesting to see what other animal would want to sleep with him apart from his slutty mistress. Or you could use octenol on his clothes. I heard that it attracts mosquitoes. Oh btw, isn't it dengue season now?


2) Instead of chucking the microwave out the window, perhaps you could throw money. By doing so, you are stopping yourself from "sponsoring" his night activities. And if you don't have money to give, maybe he'll stay home more. Or get a job. Or whatever. (Plus money doesn't destroy your neighbour's car ;) )

3) Switch his diet pills with estrogen pills. Wouldn't it be fun to compare whose boobs are bigger?


4) Instead of slamming doors at midnight, perhaps you could use a quieter approach, like cutting up his clothes. Or you could soak his clothes in the toilet bowl. How's that for cleaning his dirty laundry?


But lady, all the above suggestions don't offer permanent solutions. The best solution would be to kick that parasite out of the house and out of your life.

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17 Your say:

JD Cole said...

ROTFLMAO~

such a drama queen u are~

p/s: just for the record, i'd prefer #4....that'll be fun to watch ;P

Sam said...

Be wary of pissing Perky. Don't wanna end up at the end of her wrath. :P

That aside, I especially love the boobs idea. ;)

*Anton* said...

LOLZ Thank you for providing me with a good laugh before I retire to bed! ^_^

And thanks to for your kind wishes. Happy Holidays ya!
+Ant+

Fable Frog said...

wah~ ganasnyer merk! now we know we shouldn't make perky pissed!!
may i suggest cuffing the man in the bathroom for eternity?? you know, so he can't go out drinking spending her hard earn money and he can scrub the toilet too~

Anonymous said...

I am always interested in women, i don't even wanna think of being a gay and going to my ef-bf's wedding damn it. And also it is a sin to love the same gender. No way perky.

lyana said...

ohhhhhh I love that boobs idea, too! :)

but yeah...she has to kick him out- that way she'll have more peace of mind, not to mention more peace for the neighbours too.

_el@i_ said...

LOL, you made me laugh there. I hope she can read it and applies all your non-lethal ideas...

Perky said...

JD Cole:
Haiyoh if you listen to ppl fighting when you're trying to sleep, lambat laun you pun boleh jadi drama queen k *sigh* Hahaha!


Sam:
Hehehe... got that idea from some movie. I think it was an Adam Sandler movie.


Anton:
I'm here to entertain alright ;) And happy holidays to you too darling!


Fable Frog:
Oh I think we shouldn't piss you off more. Cuffing a guy to the bathroom?? Man, you're nasty! ;) Lol!


Anonymous:
Sorry, I don't quite understand your comment. Confuse lah mak!


Lyana:
yeah. If she doesn't plan on kicking him out, at least try working it out in a civil manner lah kan...


_el@i:
Hehehe.. yeah, let's hope for the best :D

Aziya said...

Honey, that's aren't bad compare to my f**kin neighbour...

I've to hear a neighbour's dickhead (beside my house) a father who will scold his 2 chill every night and early morning for 8 years in a row !!!!

Adding with it.. the kids will play the piano every night and everyday. The father pakse the kids play the piano.

They played same song.. and it's mostly "sumbang" all the time.. they will tukar "surah" baru every 2 months.

I fell like to shoot all of them with shotgun.. they had caused me a terrible insomnia for few years.

Tough Girl 101 said...

Perky, my dear, you are one evil, evil woman. The pheromones and estrogen pills? Phew!

mlle linie said...

if it was my neighbour i'd leave her a nice note - suggesting all the above to her.

but i'll add no.5 - do the bobbit! if u remember years ago, a lady bobbit'ed her husband's *toot* for sleeping around too much.

yes, im cruel.

mlle linie said...

just to add - try googling to those who don't know the term. :P

Nick Phillips said...

Well, she could just send her money to me instead, that would also solve the part about sponsoring his activities ... LOL!

Here's wishing you and your family a prosperous CNY. May the cows bring you loads of 'moo-ney' and good health :D

sheng said...

Ooohh, I'm glad I don't have a husband like her's, such a loser husband would be the end of my good days!

Perky said...

Aziya:
Oh, I hate those kind of parents. Poor you, though. Perhaps you could suggest to the dad to buy an electric piano instead. That way, they can plug in the headphones or control the volume.


Tough Girl 101:
Hehehe... what can I say? Gotta be cruel to be kind ;)


Mlle Linie:
Hahaha, oh you're nasty! And yeah, I remember that case. Serves him right!


Nick Phillips:
Do I get commissioned for telling her that? ;)

Gong xi fa chai to you too, nick! :)


Sheng:
Yeah, you're one of the lucky ones :)

Twilight Zone said...

Boy it was hilarious! You taught me a good idea to write notes and place them on neighbour's car windscreens! You know, I have several asshole neighbours too.

Perky said...

Hehehe.. hey i do that too sometimes. My car is parked next to this lady who loves parking her car really close to mine. Stress u know! Got lah I'll write her a note. But usually very polite ones... takut she curi my tayar if I rude to her mah ;)