Jan 23, 2008

How to Wriggle Your Way Back Into Your Ex's Life

Scribbled by Perky |

Last night, I had yet another writer's block. *sigh* "I don't know what to blog about", I whined to McChef. Ever the helpful man that he is, he gave me the title for this very post and told me to loosely base this post on his experience with one particular ex of his, whom he has dubbed Psycho Lady *cue soundtrack from the movie Psycho*.

We all can learn a thing or two from Psycho Lady. So here are steps on how to keep in touch with an ex:

Call your ex in the middle of the night and ask for telephone numbers of random mutual friends.

The idea behind it: He should be relaxing by now, so it should be a good time to catch up.

Oh, but beware!:
1) It's late, he's got better things to do than talk to you, such as sleep or play Wii or count the cracks in his wall. Whatever it is, your voice is the very last thing he wants to hear.
2) You best be calling those numbers you asked for, otherwise he'll see it as a desperate attempt to having a conversation.

Send the word across, please!

The idea behind it: You're relying on your friend's big mouth to send the word across to your ex. You're gonna be at a certain place at a certain time, so you're hoping that he'll make time to see you.

And your mutual friend can also relay to your ex just how miserable you've been ever since the two of you broke up. By doing so, you're hoping that your ex will sympathize with you and will always be there for you.

Oh, but beware!:
Your future plans could really work in your disadvantage as it could give him a headstart to run the other direction. "Oh, she's gonna be here tomorrow? Great, I'm booking the next flight out to Zimbabwe".

Also, he couldn't care less if you're miserable or not.

Don't wait for an invitation from him to tag along on outings.

The idea behind it: He never calls you out anymore. So YOU need to take actions, even if that means you need to keep inviting yourself to his outings.

How to pull it off: Call him to ask him his whereabouts, but keep your questions short, like, "Hey, where are you now?" Then you hang up. Don't tell him that you wanna meet up, otherwise he'll run away. You must show up in the next 15 minutes (for fear that he might leave the place and all your efforts to tag along will go to waste).

Oh, but beware!:
You could be in for a very boring time. When you barge into his plans uninvited, he will most likely try to bore you just out of spite, such as ignoring you, not talking to you, or taking forever to look at rings that ironically, isn't meant for you.

Play the "best friend" card with your ex and his new lady.

The idea behind it: You know that movie "My Best Friend's Wedding"? When you hear whispers that your ex has his eyes set on a new girl, you immediately jump back into his life - impose your presence as the person he goes to (regardless whether he needs your advice or not). But don't just stop at your ex. You should also make efforts to meet the new girl and get to know her too. Remember, knowledge is power!

Just like the character that Julia Roberts played in the movie, you use whatever info you have to tear them apart. To him, say something like: "are you sure about her?", "perhaps you shouldn't rush into this", "you don't sound like you're ready for a relationship", "I just don't wanna see you get hurt". To his new lady, say things like: "isn't it weird that you used to date his friend?", "he isn't very good in bed", "he ain't the serious type", "he tends to make girls confuse".

Oh, but beware!:
If you haven't been close to him for a long time, take into serious consideration that he ain't the same guy you used to date. So only use this tactic if you know the history between your ex and his new girl. If they have been very good friends for a number of years, chances are whatever you say won't change the way they feel about each other. It's even worst if they both know what you've been saying behind their backs.

Sending mix messages.

The idea behind it: Use this tactic when there are news of your ex hooking up with a new girl (or in the midst of hooking up). This tactic won't work if you don't do it at the early stages of their relationship.

You send him cards and letters containing "mix" messages, like "I wish you were here to cuddle with me", or "I think about you all the time", or "Remember when...", or "That one day spent with you was the best trip so far" (even if you only did see him for like half an hour WITH a dozen other friends in the pub AND he hardly said a word to you). Point is, you MUST make him remember the "special bond" that you guys share (even if it is only in your head).

Oh, but beware!:
You can't play the denial game should the new lady finds out about this. You can't go, "Oh, I never wrote those letters", or "I don't remember ever writing such things" coz those letters are hard evidence. It can and will be used against you, especially when it has the postage date clearly stamped on it. If the new lady is smart, (and trust me, she is), she'll keep those letters as evidence, proof that your intentions aren't as pure as you portray it to be ("oh I was already with someone else at that time, so why would I want your man?", or "what's wrong with being friends with the ex?"). Well, if you are with someone else, why send those letters in the first place right?

Ask yourself this question: Would you trust this woman to be friends with your man? I know I can't, regardless if my man has to muster the courage to not puke just by the sight of her. This is about her, AND her actions towards my man. What if she pretended to be drunk & tried to kiss him? Now you see my point?

Take drastic actions to get his attention.

The idea behind it: When all else fails, perhaps you should resort to drastic measures to get him. You could get drunk (or pretend to be) and scream out his name all night, hoping that your friends will call him and get him to calm you down, or you could go suicidal, drive into a tree, land yourself in the hospital and get someone to call him to visit you, or you could just "kidnap" the poor man.

How to pull off the "kidnapping" plot:
You call him to ask him out for drinks, assure him that you'll be bringing a friend along. Make sure you are the one driving. After you've picked him up, drop your friend off - ASAP (coz time together is precious). Then you bring him back to your house and lock the doors. That's when you should hug him tightly (latch yourself onto him if you have to), and in a soft, crying voice you tell him,"My mom won't be home and I don't want to be alone tonight. I want you to cuddle with me and keep me warm".

Oh, but beware!: If he doesn't immediately jump at your idea, chances are you're off his to-do list. The thought of being nekkid with you (again) is so repulsive that he would rather eat glass than take his "buddy" out for a pleasurable ride. And that should be a very clear indicator that he's no more interested in you and that you've just been shown out the door.

If you've enjoyed this post, please subscribe to my blog.

6 Your say:

Mlle Linie.. said...

which reminds me how i ngorat balik my current bf... tehe..

i did the last two and got him back.. tehe!

Anonymous said...


Eh sorry 4 x keeping in touch for so long (got gossip 4 u!! ;)).

Got so many things 2 say abt this post.
1. Psycho lady is a real psycho...
2. Psycho lady reminds me of that girl alex used 2 date.. remmber not? Neh the 1 that kept coming 2 his place late late at nite 1 always crying or drunk 1...
3. She really needs to move on with her life lor...

But u know wad... at the end of the day u have mcchef, not her. So let her be with her deluded fantasies of him 'still being so madly in love with me'.... bcoz without THAT fantasy, then she would be just another miserable soul.


p/s: mom sends her love :)

lyana said...

see, your writer's block turns out to be a good thing anyway..this is an awesome post! ;)

i don't know psycho lady, but i know we women will do desperate things sometimes (alah, macam desperate housewives...). I guess the best thing is to know how to move on. even if it takes you years and years.

Perky said...

Mlle Linie:
Hehehe... well good for you! =)

It worked for you guys coz your bf still has feelings for you. Can u imagine if all your advances didn't work? My god, woman, you would've been Psycho Lady No. 2! hehehe ;)

Haiyah, i feel like no point i reply your comment here coz I just saw u for lunch today...

You're right about the last bit. However, she really doesn't need to be just another miserable soul if she would just let go & really moved on, dontcha think?

Thanks for the compliment darling. Haiyah, but secara tidak langsung ah, you puji mcchef also lah... he IS the mastermind behind this post afterall! hehehe!

mlle linie said...

well, this is where gut instincts come in.. come to think of it, it was quite embarrassing! haha.. but in the name of love punya pasal, i did what i did, anyway..

savante said...

Friends with an ex? Try it my way. Hate him with a wicked vengeance for months - burn his stuff, tear out his pictures, bar his calls.

Then after several months of torture, call him out for lunch and be as friendly as ever. He'll be kept on teeterhooks.

And he'll be afraid of taking the soup - since I just might have dropped some poison in.