Jan 17, 2007

Planning A Bachelor's Par-Tehhhh!!

Scribbled by Perky |

I'm like the coolest girlfriend anyone could possibly ever want. Period. Although my big day won't be happening this year (due to my skills in distracting Mr Husband-To-Be with my oompha loompha dance), I've already planned like at least 5 parties (to build up the hype for my wedding and perhaps trying to get lucky one last time before I give up on life as a bachelorette - okay, that was poor gibberish, I'll admit that much. But do you really need a reason to par-tehhh?). The first party I'm planning is the bachelor party for Mr Husband. Ain't I sweet? I certainly can't trust any of darling's male buddies to plan this all-too-important party. They have no taste, no class, no finese. Zilch. Yes, you may even call them barbarians if you want. Their idea of party is booze and boobs booze and more boobs booze. Men. Straight men. Can't plan for nuts (though they do think with their nuts most time).

Theme: Foam Party On The Beach

Okay, so it's nearly impossible to have a foam party on the beach. I went to this foam party once back in my hell-raising day, and I absolutely loved it. I also froze my nipples off, not to mention soaked from head to toe, but that's beside the point. Plus, I'd have the guests smelling nice throughout the night (men's sweat - urgh!) .

Performance by Pussycat Dolls
Before you get all twisted in your knickers, no, I'm not hiring the Pussycat Dolls to perform. And although I would be the best candidate to do a sexy dance (almost strippish) show for him, I figured I'd leave this task to the professionals. Plus, being the possessive controlling bastard that he is, he would never ever agree to me doing such a public show (hey, it is a bachelor's party you know... his guy friends are gonna be there too).

So I'm getting my 'sistahs' to do a drag show (stop complaining, bitches, I know you all want to do it... eagerly). I'm thinking... feather boas, 12-inch makeup, water balloons for fake boobies (Mama Diva, you can get a boob job if you want. It's fine by me), fish net stokings, 6-inch stilettos, fake big hair...the whole 9 yards! I want it sleazy, corny and kinky. Heck, I've already come up with a stage name for you sistahs - The Pussycat Trolls. And the music you all will be dancing to is Britney's "I'm A Slave For You". So gurls, start practising your dance choreography.

Picture stolen from courtesy of Cain & Abel

Hey, there's no way I'm getting real boobs to do this job. I do want him to enjoy his last night as a bachelor, but not that much.

Everyone's A Papparazzi
I think it'll be cool to give all the guests a polaroid camera each. Isn't it fun when you can just snap away? I know I'll be so thrilled if I got a polaroid camera to play with. I'll also erect a cam-whore corner where the guests can pin-up their photos if they want. I think darling would really appreciate that coz he'll get to keep memories of his bachelor party taken by all his friends. Someone might just be able to get a shot of his cousin putting party pills into someone's drink, who knows. Or perhaps someone finally managed to secure evidence of Brother-From-A-Different-Mother Cousin hitting on one of the Trolls. Candid pictures never fails to put a smile on my everybody's face. It's certainly better than those posing pictures *bleuk*

Food & Beverage
For the food part, it's really a no-brainer. They're barbarians. They don't need to eat caviar, escargot or any other expensive fine cuisine. Finger food works best for them. Mr Potato Chips and M&M's should do the trick. It's cheap and it's such a guy food. So that's settled.

How cool would it be if everyone drank from coconut shells? We'd have martinis served in coconut shells. We'd have beer served in coconut shells. Don't know how that'll taste but I'm hoping that they'll be too drunk to even care. Plus, coconut shells are recycable and I won't have to pay a single penny for any broken shells. Boys tend to get rowdy when they're drunk and mug glasses do come in handy when it comes to bar brawls. I mean, how much damage can you inflict by knocking a guy's head on an empty coconut shell?

To add personal touches, I'd have the coconut shells engraved with quirky lines like "I'm Eager To Have A Can Of Whoop Ass By The Missus Every Single Day For As Long As I Shall Live" or "You Should Try Getting Pussy-Whipped - It's Done Wonders For Me". That way I can plant ideas into the heads of Mr Husband's single friends to settle down. And that way I could eliminate the possibilities of Mr Husband going out late at night to have his guy's night out (imagine this scenario: single friend takes Mr Husband out for late night drinks and brings along a female friend. Had too much to drink, sees pretty chic around... do I even need to finish that story?). If all his friends have settled down, then I wouldn't have to worry about them reliving their bachelor days. I'm devious, I know. But I'm also smart. Deviously smart, that's what I am (I'd like to suggest all women follow in my steps).

Door Gifts
Although handing out porn DVDs would ultimately stamp me as the coolest girlfriend-cum-wife-to-be ever, I don't think it's a good idea. Afterall, porno distribution is illegal over here. I'd probably give them a jar of fine coffee imported from some exotic place like South America or somewhere (which will be nicely wrapped, of course. Details, baby, it's all about the details) to cure the hangover next morning. But just in case the coffee can't do the work, I'll just throw in a Pussycat Troll Doll. That would definitely cure the hangover instantly.


= Hangover Cure!

Hmm I've somehow managed to turn a superstraight man's bachelor party into a gay thing. Gosh, I really need to declare myself a gay-free day.

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6 Your say:

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! i really enjoyed this post. pussycat trolls lah, foam party lah, where you come up with all this ideas ah? hahah!! so creative this girl.
hey can i come too?


Anonymous said...

Oh oh oh....if we practice really hard, we can join gay pride parades and have our very own floats as well. Best kan? Ha ha ha ha!!!

bigfatwitch said...

you do know that the sea has foam, right? Maybe not enough for a party, but the point is it does. So that's another expense you can cut down on haha!

All i can say is lucky thing bachelor parties are only for the male population (unless you're a stripper)

Alex said...

Ola stranger.

Damm this was a fucking good post. I know your capabilities in throwing partehhs and won't be surprise if you really did pull tis off hahaha.

hey wy dontcha plan my bachelor's party too? ;)

p/s: guessing from this post sounds like you guys patched things up huh. good then.

Missing you.

savante said...

Ooh it is so gay! Just a rotating crystal ball and a Gloria Gaynor theme song away from a gay disco lah.

Perky said...

Erm... it's a BACHELOR'S party. What you think lah :P

Cain & Abel:
Yes darling if you practice really really hard (and I mean really hard) I think you can even be the guest artist in gay pride parades ;)

Big Fat Witch:
Yes I do konw that the sea has foam :PPPPPP

Just use this post as your guidelines lor. Hahahaha!

p/s: All is good in paradise =) Hey man, don't give up your day job. Spilling advise ain't your forte ;)

Gosh you're so right!!!! HAHAHAHAHHA!