Jan 18, 2006

What If I Wrote A Spanish Telenovela?

Scribbled by Perky |

Soap operas. You either love them or hate them. Now I don't deny (to some extent) that I do enjoy watching soap operas (hey, they've got good looking actors with bodies to die for! So what if the men cry and the women have abnormally large breasts that would accidentally pop out on cue?). Okay I admit that I watch The Bold & The Beautiful (only on weekends, I swear!) and there was a time when I was seriously addicted to Spanish soaps.

I simply cannot refuse a Spanish-speaking hero (everything just sounds sexy in a foreign language... except Chinese... they sound like they're putting a hex on you), the golden tan, the machoness, the I'll-take-that-bullet-for-you-to-prove-my-undying-love, well basically everything it takes to be a real man (minus the crying bit, of course). Given my passion for soap operas, I thought I'd give it a try to see if I could write a 300something-episode show filled with heartache, drama, laughter, sex, scandal, etc etc.

So now I'll introduce to you the main characters:
Our heroin - Maria, who by day is a maid, and a pole dancer at night (played by Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls, since Jessica Alba turned down this role)
Our hero - Raoul, the hunky gardener who's got a bit of a playboy pesona. He's Maria's love interest (who would've guessed? hahaha!). Played by Antonio Banderas because he wants to reconnect with his Spanish roots, although Enrique Iglesias would've been a more suitable (read: younger) choice.

Nic of PCDAntonio Banderas

Other supporting characters:
Dick (surname is not Head, by the way)- Maria's nasty ex-husband, who left her for Jenny, that is after stripping Maria off her family wealth (which explains why Maria has 2 jobs). This character is played by Mickey Rourke coz there ain't no badass like this badass.
Jenny Skank - The cross-eyed clerk who found love and fortune by marrying Dick. But that doesn't change the fact that she is still cross-eyed. Played by Penelope Cruz.
Betty Bewb - Raoul's (ex?) lover. Like all typical lovers, she would be, how shall I put this, well-endowed? Super-enhanced assets? And she's blonde. But she's no typical blonde. Ms Bewp happens to be a super model who works for Gucci. Played by Salma Hayek.

Penelope CruzSalma Hayek

Episodes 1-33: Introduction
We see Maria happily strolling hand-in-hand with Dick, looking very much like any other happy couple (you'll hear Celine Dion's Power of Love in the background... Maria and Dick walking in slow mo with wind blowing in their face). She goes into a Ralph Lauren boutique but Dick waits for her outside (he lights a cigarette). When she comes out, she sees Dick talking to a chic, whom after a few more episodes we find out that she is actually Jenny Skank and that they have been sleeping together without Maria's knowledge. Dick sees Maria and says goodbye to Jenny. Maria asks Dick who that lady was, to which Dick replies "Oh, just a nobody."

Episodes 34-59: Lies, Conspiracy, Friendship
We see Dick and Jenny lying in bed together, looking real sweaty and pink red. They talk about plans of a life together. Jenny gets upset as Dick is still married to Maria (afterall, a villain always uses her tears to get what she wants). Dick assures her that he is leaving Maria for good, but "first things first", he says. They fuck like wild animals one more time, then he gets dressed and leaves. We follow Dick as he enters his office and sits in front of his computer. The camera zooms in and we see that he is transferring Maria's wealth into his account.

In the meantime, we see Maria sitting in her garden, talking to shirtless man who happens to be trimming the bushes (his back is facing the camera, of course). Maria is obviously enjoying this man's company, and as she continues to laugh, the man turns around and for the first time we get to see the hunky gardener. The camera stays still for about 3 seconds (just enough time for the gardener to flex his muscles and show his million-dollar set of white pearls). From their conversation, we learn that the gardener is Raoul and he's been working there for almost 10 years. We also find out that he's actually very good friends with Dick and that they plan to play beach volleyball later that evening (I needed to throw an activity to explain how close the guys are and also how he gets his well-toned body. I mean seriously, you don't get muscles from watering the plants, you know).

Episodes 60-87: The Painful Truth
Maria is in a Gucci store. She tries on a few dozen dresses (insert video montage here). After making up her mind on which dress she wants, she then proceeds to the cashier. She gives her Visa Platinum card to the cashier, only to find that seconds later her card is rejected. She takes out another card, which also gets rejected. She panics, so she takes out all her credit cards and all of it gets rejected. Her handphone suddenly rings. It's from the bank. She finds out that she has gone bankrupt. She's shocked and scared, so she runs home to look for her husband.

When she gets to the gate of her home, she sees all her belongings on the street. Still shocked from finding out about her bankruptcy, she doesn't realize that she just got kicked out of her house. She tries to open the gate using the remote control. The gate doesn't open. She tries again, and the same thing happens. (Insert lame humor here...) She says "open sesame!". That didn't work. "Zam zam alakaZAM!" Nothing works. She gets out of her Porsche and rings the house. She hears a lady's voice over the speaker. It's Jenny, telling her that she is now the new Mrs Dick.

Episodes 88-103: A New Beginning?
Heartbroken and flat broke, Maria leaves her hometown and heads for the big city to start fresh. We also see that even despite the end of her relationship with Dick, she still maintains that good friendship with Raoul. As a matter of fact Raoul is the only person she could find comfort in. Maria applies for a job as a maid for a wealthy family as she doesn't have the proper qualifications to be in the professional line. She knows that the money isn't good but she takes it anyway. We see her packing leftovers and sometimes she eats rotten food.

One day as Maria was busy dusting the pictures on the wall (she's clad in a really short dress uniform and black pantihose nonetheless), Pablo (the family's first son) tells her that with an ass like that she could earn extra bucks as a pole dancer. He hands over a business card to her. Camera zooms in on Maria as she thinks real hard on whether to take the job or not.

Episodes 104-126: Falling In Love Is So Hard On Your Knees
Maria is doing her thing at the club, and she's slowly building a reputation as one of the best pole dancers ever (well, she is the lead actress, so naturally she has to hog the limelight). After her gig, she gets a phone call from Raoul who says that he'll be in the big city tomorrow. She's obviously overjoyed, so she skips the party with her girlfriends to get some goodnight's rest.

(insert video montage of Maria picking Raoul from the club, she shows him the city, they are at the theme park eating candy, playing rollercoaster, etc)

Finally we see them together on a boat; Maria is reciting a poetry and Raoul is rowing the boat. Raoul teases her about her passion for poetry, she laughs and they spend the next few seconds staring at each other. Maria starts to feel uncomfortable, she turns away and tells him that they should go back as it is getting dark. Raoul rows back to the jetty. As they were getting up Maria stumbles and falls into his arm (how much more corny can I get?). They lock eyes for another few seconds. It was then that Maria realizes that she has fallen in love with Raoul and is also sad because she has just condemned herself to a life of heartache as she knows that she can never have Raoul (insert video montage of flashbacks of Maria, Raoul and Dick during happier times, then the times when Raoul was there for her during her good and bad times).

Despite of that, Maria takes the risk of telling Raoul how she really felt (this scene is done at the airport, by the way... for dramatic purposes of course. I mean, come on, the man is about to board the airplane!). We end that episode with both of them looking at each other without saying a word. Camera zooms in on Maria, then on Raoul, then back to Maria, then back to Raoul, then...

Episodes 127-148: She's Made of Spice and Everything... Nice?
So the audience are left not knowing how Raoul felt towards Maria. Anyway we cut the scene to his apartment where we see a large breasted blonde lady making herself comfortable on his sofa ala Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when she was waiting for Richard Gere wearing nothing but his tie. Enters Raoul into the scene. We again don't know what happened after that as the camera fades out. Jeng jeng jengggg...

The next morning we see Raoul in a bathrobe having breakfast with the lady we now know as Ms Bewb. She tells him about her modelling job as she prepares his drink. Raoul is reading a newspaper the whole time as he bites on a toast, looking slightly uninterested. Ms Bewb tells him that she loves him and wants him back. Raoul looks up, puts the newspaper down, walks over and gives Ms Bewb a kiss, and goes into the room to get ready for work. This scene is important as it shows to the audience that Raoul is somewhat a playboy. The audience doesn't know how Raoul really feels about Ms Bewb.

Episodes 149-178: I Love You Boo. And I Love You Too
We see Maria in the club on center stage as the main pole dancer act (oh yeah, she's doing all sorts of tricks now with that pole). When she gets off the stage, she gets introduced to a casting agent who wants to hire her to be a dance choreographer for a group called the Pussycat Dolls. She's overjoyed and parties like mad with her girls.

Outside the club, we see that it's raining and we also see a man (who's face is hidden) walking towards the club (in slow mo, nonetheless).

Everyone is slowly leaving the club. Maria is leaving as well so she puts on her coat. When she gets outside, we see her looking surprised. It turns out the man is none other than Raoul (did you guys really have to guess?) Raoul looks really sexy being drenched from head to toe. They (again) spend the next few seconds looking at each other longingly. Maria, who clearly couldn't hide her excitement, throws her arms around Raoul and asks him what is he doing there.

Raoul, unfortunately, has come to say goodbye. He has been offered by NASA to fly one of their rockets to the moon (we find out that from here that he isn't actually a full-time gardener. During his free time from gardening, he attends university majoring in aerospace. Hey, this is a soap opera. Remember that!). Maria is devastated, and she hugs him tightly this time. She starts to cry uncontrollably. Raoul pulls her away, gives her a kiss on her forehead and tells her that he has always been in love with her. She asks Raoul what about him and Ms Bewb. He simply shook his head (I know! What the fuck is that suppose to fucking mean?!). With one last kiss to the forehead, he turns and starts to walk away.

Maria has a desperate look on her face. Please don't go. She needs to get something off her chest but she can't seem to find the voice to say it. Please don't leave me. Raoul is walking further and further away. Seriously dude, I need to tell you something before you go. Finally, with all the courage she could find in her, she said:

"Don't you go fucking those green aliens, boy. The purple ones are ok... just stay away from the green ones!"

Was that ending good enough? I don't know. I just don't know what to do with the two of them. I mean, I can see why there's so much drama going on in a tv soap coz even the writers have no clue on what's going to happen next. Although a typical ending would be that the two of them end up together, I on the other hand don't believe in happy endings. Too cliche. Let Maria meet and fall in love with someone new? Nah, the audience won't buy it. Raoul just seems like 'the one' for her. So I came up with the ending above. That way, if this show doesn't do well, I could at least make some money from making alien porn as a spin-off.

*all characters are fictional and has nothing to do with both the living and the dead.

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5 Your say:

Anonymous said...

Julia Roberts doesn't have big boobs. She looks ugly to some like me. :p hehe
But the whole thing looked so corny. lol. But quite entertaining.

I do think u have the talent.haha

Anonymous said...

Oh lord lydd are you high on weed?? lol. i had such a good laugh on this one. i can actually imagine you talking and doing all your hand and facial movement.
i thought this way suppose to be a 300+ series? you didnt even make it to 200.
hey woman mana itu villain? why no fight scenes one? how bout maria and ms bewb engaging in some catfights? battle of the tits! *ehem* i mean, chics!
yeah agree with shaggy. its so fucking corny that its so fucking funny. check out the names lah: i cant help but say Head after i read Dick. hahahaha! Dickhead. And that would make his mrs a Jenny Skank-Head. hahaha! Head of Skank. Betty Bewb as in Boob? lol. hey if this was a spanish soap then why the english names?

The ending so anti climatic lah. If this was in South America they would've killed you for a bad ending. I'll help you think of a better one ok? Now gimme some weed so I can get some creative juices flowing! lol.

-7 more days to S'pore!-

Perky said...

I wasnt referring to Julia's boob btw. You just gotta watch Pretty Woman to understand what I was trying to say. It's a pretty good scene, I must say ;)

Thanks for the compliment. Amazing what happens when you put a twist to certain situations. Oh the mind is a powerful tool ;)

Damn. I knew I missed something out when I wrote this post. No worthy villains. Yeah I'll put in the fight scene with ms bewb but I'll send my best man *pats vonne on her back* hahaha!

Only you get my jokes no matter how poorly I deliver them baby. Damn you're good! lol.

I also missed out on 1 important element: Incest! Soaps always have incestuous relationships. The wheels in my head they are turning. Hmmm... let me sleep on it 1st. hehehehehehehe *evil laugh*

Anonymous said...

Incest! eww..Perky you do have the brains to write soap operas I guess hehe. I havent seen any soap operas. But I think u do have the talents hehe :-) Keep up the good works and entertain ur humble blog visitors often

Anonymous said...

hahaha.. what u write really proved that you DO watch soap operas..

i dont really watch soap operas, but if i must, i will stick to the channel for a few minutes to embrace the hunky guys and squeal and squeal.. and "ok enough".