Friends. Friends are what make my life meaningful and enjoyable. Friends help me get through some of the toughest shit I landed myself into. Friends are there when I desperately need to tell a joke, even if it's a lame one (and we all know how bad I am at telling jokes. I guess I'm better at laughing, I suppose). I'm sure you have friends. Friends are like accessories, or bling blings as some of us like to call them. And if you know me and how I wear my bling blings, you definitely see how attached I am with it and also I pretty much wear the same one over the years. This is the same as how I treat my friends. I'm fiercely loyal to the ones that have made their mark in my heart. I'm sure you have friends that you wouldn't or couldn't trade for anything else in the world (hmm maybe for a one night stand with Brad Pitt, but that's just me). Childhood friends, bestfriends, etc etc.

Aside from your close-knit-what-happens-in-the-family-stays-in-the-family type of friends, you would have the if-I-don't-see-you-tomorrow-the-world-would-still-be-spinning type of friends. Yes, the ones that are there solely for your feel good time, such as drinking buddies, clubbing friends, work mates, etc etc. And then you have the parasite type of friends, who only sticks with you because there's something for them to gain from their friendship with you. Unfortunately, no matter how much insect repellant you spray on them, they would still be around the next morning. I call them 'cockroaches', because they're the only ones who would survive a deadly nuclear bomb. The only way to get rid of them is if you step on them. Yes, it's very mean but I hate roaches.

This brings me to this week's post. Although I'm regarded as a people-friendly kind of girl, there are a few people I'd rather not be friends with. So if you happen to fit into any one of these groups below, please take a hint and see that you and I will never be friends. And if you offer to change your personality, thanks but no thanks. It's not your personality that I don't like. It's you that I don't like. Period.

Gossip Columnist
I recently met up with an old high school friend. I remember her as being warm and very much a people person. But sadly, the shit in life takes over the good in someone and turn them into this bitter, angry person. I was taken back by her attitude towards everyone. As we tried to fill each other in on what has happened after life in high school, I realized one thing: She had absolutely nothing nice to say about anyone. There was always some dirty secret she would tell me, such as who was sleeping around, who's hot & happening, who's not, who was (in her mind) a lousy friend. She even went as far as dishing her bestfriend's secret to me. Well, you catch the drift. She can't hold her pie hole. That's when I knew that she and I could never be more than just acquaintances. There was no way I was going to let a loose-tongue into my highly guarded circle of friends. The damage that she would inflict upon me (either intended or not) would be too high a price to pay for such friendship. So if you're a gossip columnist, stay far far away from me because I would not hesitate to bitch slap a gossip columnist.

Split Personality
One of the dangers of the internet is that you will never really know the person you're in contact with. Take Perky (my online alter ego) and my real self as an example. Perky is an extension of me; she's much more outspoken, honest and full of sarcasm. That's because in real life I'm much more held back because of the need to guard certain relationships with people (yes, even the ones I don't really like, for instance because they're friends with my dear ones. It does sound pretentious, but for the sake of a dear friend I have to put on a face).

But to assume someone else's identity just so that I would be friends with you, man, that's fucked up. A couple month's back I was faced with this problem. I had been chatting with Mr X under the impression that he was a friend of mine (he was using my friend's nickname). So one day he asked me out for lunch. Can you imagine my shock when I saw that it was someone else? Outraged, I asked him why he did it. He replied that I had rejected his invitation to be his friend (through Friendster), and he thought that the only way to be friends with me was by doing so. Now I don't mean to be stuck up about this, but if I don't know you, why should I even accept your invite? Has it ever occurred to your thick skull that a simple "Hi, I'd like to get to know you first" would do instead of a sudden invitation from a stranger? Just because you're friends with one of my buddies doesn't automatically qualify you as my friend. Didn't you momma ever tell you not to speak to strangers?

Stalker Syndrome
Maybe I am cute and cuddly, but that doesn't make me a teddy bear. For years I have had to battle with stalkers. I don't know what's their fascination with me (even my friends don't know why). If I was Angelina Jolie, I can understand why. But I'm just plain jane. It's flattering to have someone like you enough that they spend time and energy finding out information about you. But stalkers scare the living shit out of me. They are under this impression that they have a bond with me (even if it is one-sided). They think they know me better than my bestfriends, they seem to know my daily activities, they know where to find me, they know my hangouts, well, you get the picture. Most of the time they're harmless. But there are a few that seriously should be locked up in a 2x6 box and have the key thrown away. So if you do suffer from this syndrome, please take note that the only relationship we'll ever have is the one we have in your head.

Gloom Doom
Gloom doom is someone who is constantly depressed and are secretly attention seekers. They think the world hates them, they think that bad shit happens to them and only them. Now that's not entirely true. Some people do hate them, not the world (I mean, have you met everyone on this planet to be hated? I didn't think so). Bad shit happens to everyone, but not everyone let's it get to them. I was once good friends with someone who was constantly depressed. I didn't know what he was depressed about. And because I was his good friend, I tried my best to always be there for him. Slowly his sadness got a hold of my life. I spent so much time worrying about him that I forgot to live my own life. My time and energy was devoted to him, so much so that I was beginning to be a living zombie. Countless times I had to run to him because he threatened suicide. It got to a point where I wanted to scream "I'd better find you dead this time motherfucker!".

Gloom doom people drain a lot of my energy. Now I would support you during your bad days but if you yourself refuse to allow yourself to be happy, then we can't be friends. If I can't help you, so why should I stick around with all your i'm-in-love-with-sadness shit? Either you snap out of it, or I'm gone. My life is too precious to me and I want to live it by surrounding myself with happiness.

It's All About Me
Sometimes when people confide in you about their sad story, they just want you to listen. But listeners are hard to find. I'm glad I have Bart in my life. He's my confidante. He would just let me talk and cry about anything without saying a word. In many ways I find that very comforting. It feels great to let it all out without having another person tell you how fucked you are because you yourself already know that. You just don't need another person pointing out the obvious. However, most of the time we end up with friends who wants to play the I-Can-Top-That game. In the end, sad enough, I end up still feeling shitty about my problems and realize that my friend is more fucked up than I am. These friends have somehow managed to turn every single damn thing about them. It could be about a blouse that I was interested in buying. And then my friend would turn me off by saying how that blouse reminded her of that time she had too much to drink that she ended up puking on it, thus ruining her chance of hooking up with some random guy. Or I could say that I was having a bad day at the office, and he would top it off by saying what a bad week he was having i.e. losing his handphone, got into a car accident, got fucking mugged, etc etc. So I'm just going to say this once: The world does not revolve around you. It revolves around me, motherfucker.

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